The Date

The date went so well that I’ve deleted Bumble. I’ve turned off date mode, ended my subscription, and deleted the app from my phone. I feel great about this new thing, whatever it is.

He arrived a couple of hours before our scheduled date. I work from home so he played with Percy and watched some old school Bugs Bunny on YouTube. It’s been so long since I’ve seen that cartoon so I’m thankful it’s in my YouTube recommends. He pretended to judge my recommends but also knows that I go down rabbit holes and end up in weird places on YouTube!

We went to dinner, a place in Trenton, Ontario called Tamasso’s Italian Grille. We both had steak. It was melt in your mouth good. Well, mine was anyway. This guy likes his steak medium instead of medium rare. That should be some sort of yellow flag, right? I sat with my back to the window. I’ll pretend it was intentional to make my hair look good in the street lights but the truth is, I don’t like having my back to the crowd!

After dinner we went for a walk along the river. It was raining slightly. It got a bit tense for me on the walk so I asked him to kiss me behind the tree (basically to get it the hell over with so I didn’t feel like I was dying). It was a good kiss. A short kiss that I broke off early, in fact. Yikes right? Well, turns out that when he kissed me, my heart rate went up suddenly and that sent a signal to my anxiety brain that I was having a panic attack. So it took a few seconds for the rational brain tell anxiety brain that it wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a kiss.

Nice try, Anxiety! You did not ruin my first kiss with Dale!

I really like him. He’s funny, plays along with my silly what if scenarios, holds doors for strangers, talks to people in elevators, tells me I’m beautiful, and pets all of the dogs. He is so comfortable for me to be around, like I’ve known him forever somehow.

We are going to see how things progress and spend time together when we can! He will be back for a weekend visit on Halloween and I’m looking forward to it! I’m not scared or nervous or anything at all about this. I’m not afraid of being hurt by him either. If things don’t work out, I will have had shared some incredible moments with someone special and that is worth any of the temporary hurt. I feel completely different than I ever had in any other dating situation. I think that’s the impact of my therapy.

This is good. It’s exciting. I choose to enjoy it for the entirety of it’s duration, however long that is.

Cabin

I need to do a full update on the cabin for the other part of the site but things are entering the final stages. Next Tuesday, I do my final walk through and sign paperwork at the lawyer’s. Next Thursday, the house will close and it will be mine. Then in November, I’ll be moving in!

I’m behind on packing but I know I can make it up. I don’t have nearly as much stuff to pack as I had when I moved here. I have some stuff still packed, actually! Moving isn’t stressing me out yet.

I’m stressing a bit about how I’m going to get the washer and dryer out of the basement for the basement people. And then how do I get them back down the rickety stairs? I can probably hire some guys…I hope anyway. I need to book the basement guys and the moving guys tomorrow.

Reflections

My sister got upset over Thanksgiving with the family. It was a misunderstanding at the end of the day and we’ve all moved on from it, so I’m not going to focus on the overall event but rather one part of a conversation she and I had.

She was mad that I was having so many good things happening. I know she was just putting her anger with herself onto me so I’m not upset about it. But it makes me think about how good things are for me right now.

Like, things are good. I’m getting my cabin. I’m seeing someone new. Work is going pretty good. I’m feeling great most days. My life doesn’t feel real right now at all. Normally, this would be stressing me out. I’d be getting so anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I’m not. I feel…calm. I feel like I’ve found my peace.

I’ve never been one to believe in fate or destiny or spirits or any such shit, but I feel like this is what I’m supposed to be doing at this point in my life. This all feels right, somehow. Maybe this is how normal people feel. Normal people like people who haven’t struggled with CPTSD and anxiety all their lives. Maybe this is how it feels to be content and/or happy.

I’m excited for my future adventures!!