I had a long nap today after going to bed early last night so I’m awake and it’s 3:30am! Thought I might ramble on a bit, throw some thoughts out into the bot-infested mess we call present day internet.

Speaking of internet, dead internet theory is pretty much happening now. There are so many bots on social media that it’s next to impossible to determine who is a human and who isn’t. The comments aren’t merely spam either. Some are actually on topic and supportive. I wonder, now, anytime someone comments, if they are an actual person. And I wonder if I’m ever wrong. I have to assume that I am.

The internet is garbage right now. All of the search engines suck so much that you can’t find anything without using AI. People are getting addicted to LLMs and having relationships with it and even getting a psychosis. I watched a YouTube video about AI today and I have to say that I can, 100%, see how the video could become true.

This video highlights something that I’ve known but it’s not something anyone talks about…what has been released is not nearly as powerful as what has already been developed and is working in the background. It feels like we’re cooked. It’s already too late to put regulations on this stuff.

I’m pretty nervous about the house and it’s hard to stop thinking about it. I’m currently avoiding almost everything I can for it (aka packing). I have no issues spending time planning but doing stuff feels scary for some reason. I’m not just procrastinating. I’m straight up avoiding. That’s not good and I need to get that sorted out.

I’m mostly worried about money. I’m worried that I didn’t plan this properly. Next week I’m expecting $14k to be removed from my bank account for the balance of my deposit and closing costs. I wasn’t worried about money until recently. Now I’m freaked right now. My entire safety net will be gone. It will take a few months to build it back but if anything happens over that time, I’m screwed.

I will be fine once I’m moved and settled in but right now, I’m having a really, really hard time. The house closes on Thursday. This coming Thursday. It’s unreal. My brain is freaking out on me, telling me that I was stupid and insane to actually put a dream into action. So I’m struggling with keeping that voice down. There are just so many things. I don’t know how to use my pellet stove, I have to get a new UV light for the well, I have to mop the floors because there was foot fungus cream in the shower, I have to book the basement guys.

And I found out that I can’t order my internet until my driver’s license address matches my service address. So I have to change my address with the credit card companies, the banks, and Canada Post before I can get internet at the house. Like actually WTF. Like people don’t move and need internet immediately? None of my services can transfer. Anyway, more stuff to figure out.

I’ve been reassured by friends and family that I’m going to be okay and there are some willing to lend me money to help me get by but I’d prefer to do it on my own. But I will admit that I could have waited longer to have more saved outside of my down payment. But this place came up and it’s what I want. The land is what really speaks to me. There is just something about it. It’s cozy, homey, peaceful, comfortable.

It’s a risk. I have to be okay with this risk. I can’t really go back on it now so I have to be okay with this risk. But I am asking myself what the hell I am doing. If I’m truly unhappy, I can always sell it. I will, at least, break even.

This thing that I have going on with Dale is pretty good but I will admit that I’m having a hard time referring to him as my boyfriend or partner and also having a hard time referring to myself as his girlfriend. I’m not really sure why because it’s not like this is something that should be hidden or anything. I’m just uncomfortable with it just now.

It’s definitely not anything to do with him at all. He’s happy and comfortable. He’s being very open with how he is feeling. It’s all so foreign but it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted: someone who will love me out loud without reservation. Dale has the potential for that. Also, I really like him and hope to spend copious amounts of time with him in my life. It’s fun, exciting, tantalizing (ohhh I like that word!), passionate, and comfortable.

A thought just came to my mind. What if I’m weird about the title of girlfriend because I’ve not, yet, told Chip that I’m seeing someone? Chip has never really been into me. Sure he likes me well enough to come to dinner and hang out. We are friends and have been for many years. He has had plenty of opportunity to pursue me and hasn’t. But I do feel like I’d rather tell him that I’m seeing someone than him read about it on the internet or something. Maybe that’s more for me than for him. I’ll still want to meet up for coffee, have him over for dinner, and play some video games with him but I’d like to introduce him to Dale as well.

I also can’t stop thinking about Ex’s parents. I want to see them. I feel there is some closure that I want where they are concerned. I love them and the decision to leave Ex was really hard because it meant separating myself from his family too. And that sucks. It would be weird to be close friends with them but I want to make sure that I’ve communicated how amazing I think they are and how blessed I feel having had them in my life. Maybe I can still have some sort of relationship with them. Is that silly to want? I’d like to invite them over to dinner at my cabin. Maybe that would be good.

So maybe two points of closure/clean up to do before I can be comfortable with the label? Or maybe I’m just scared. Why would I be scared though? Maybe it’s just new. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I actually feel healed enough that relationship heartbreak won’t destroy me. I could be fooling myself. But I’ve already decided that the great moments are, by default, magnitudes better than some potential hurt at the end. Dale and I have already had some pretty great moments.

I want to write about everything that’s going on in the world but it’s all so shitty and it sucks. So ending a post with all of the shit is probably not a good thing. So I will just leave today’s post with the following: The world is going to shit so I’m going to enjoy some happy moments. Dale brings happy moments right now.