This past week

It’s Sunday the day of rest. I usually spend my Sundays at home doing nothing, if I can help it. It’s my me day. Yes I live alone and every day is technically a me day but I mean it’s a day that I try to keep free for me to do only the things I want to do. If that’s chores or painting or watching YouTube or playing video games, then it is. It’s a day to not do the things I have to do.

Growing up, Sundays were church days. Church in the morning starting with Sunday school. Then home for a big lunch. Usually roast beef, potatoes and carrots. Then 4 hours later, it was back to night church. Then TV for 2 hours followed by bed. I liked the people at church but I resented having to spend an entire day there.

This week was a pretty decent week when I look back on it. I had a pretty successful week at work and managed to get some things done to help my director. The big campaign that my manager wanted me to babysit is on schedule. I am backed up on small tasks but I think if I can get a good 3 days of focus I can get them done.

I went to the doctor and was able to report that my mood is much better now that my anti-depressant was increased. I asked to stay at this dose for a while. The darkness is gone. I don’t see it lurking back there. It’s no longer crawling up my leg. That’s what I want. Oh shit! I forgot to ask her about the link between dementia and SSRIs. I was reading about a new study showing an increased risk with SSRI use. There’s been research on this previously so it’s not ground-breaking information or anything but there was a new study. Anyway, I figure I’ll eventually go crazy! I mean, how long can you hear your own voice in your head, narrating life constantly, and not go a bit batty?

It was wild to learn that there are people in this world, the vast majority, in fact, that do not have an inner narrative. I have one that never shuts the hell up. For example, with every single word I’m typing, I hear my own voice say each word. I think in a narrative voice. Even doing math, I’m reading it in my head in my voice only to me. Does that even make sense? I’ve had a bit of the legal leaf today because it’s Sunday and I’m an adult.

I went to my Aunt’s 85th birthday party yesterday. It was nice to see everyone. She is my dad’s brother’s wife and my last living Aunt in my adoptive family. I had a nice IPA so I might have a new favourite beer now. My cousin let me bring home the rest of it. It’s a Radler by 1000 Islands Brewing Company.

Unexpected Comments

The most notable thing about the day was a conversation with my Mom and her friend about Gaza. Mom is on the side of Israel because they are “god’s chosen people” and that they have a right to that land because the bible says so. Her friend is the same but I was not ready for what she said.

My opinion is that Israel is committing genocide and the world is looking away while others cheer it on. What Hamas did was wrong and Israel had the right to respond in kind. But Israel has gone way too far. With the technology we have in this world, you cannot convince me that they cannot clear out terrorists without murdering 60,000 civilians and starving another million.

“But they are in the tunnels. The terrorists are in tunnels. You have to blow the building up to get to the tunnels”, they say.

“Could flood the tunnels. Could gas the tunnels. Could set fires in the tunnels,” I reason.

Anyway, the friend said that the videos of the starving kids in the food lines getting killed by the IDF are fake because the boys all have fresh, neat hair cuts. My mom immediately agreed. The ironic thing here is that my mom is a hairdresser so I thought she knew that people will often do their hair to feel better or even for practical reasons like it’s hot. People still shave, if they can. They still shower, if they can. They even still go to church, if it still stands.

I replied with something along the lines of murdering children is wrong. The friend said, and I quote, “At least they won’t grow up to become terrorists”. My mouth literally dropped. She laughed. Then either her or my mom said, “They’re all terrorists in that area.” I’m not used to hearing Islamophobia like that but that’s what that is.

This is a genocide and people are okay with it. People who identify as Christians are okay with it. I’m an atheist and I’m not okay with it.

The world is feeling grim

The US is so close to a full dictatorship. It’s going to take a civil war to stop Trump. He’s sending military into Chicago now. They are already in Los Angeles and Washington DC. There was a list of blue cities he was going to invade. Even if the courts were to actually tell him that he can’t do that because there isn’t an actual emergency, nothing would happen. Who would? The military and everyone has been falling in line.

Eventually, in one occupied city, one National Guards person will die and that will be the moment. He will take over. I say “he” but I really mean Heritage Foundation. Trump won’t survive much longer. And then the world will see if the US will fight back or if they will allow themselves to fall.

End times. End times. End times.

They always claim it’s end times. I also default to end times despite not believing in a god or gods. I was raised evangelical Christian. End times learnings. It was always talked about.

I remember being utterly pissed off one night after youth group because I had just listened to the whole end times thing is happening now. This was Desert Storm time period (1990). The speaker had drawn all of the parallels to end times scripture and I got angry instead of scared like normal.

I didn’t find it fair. I wouldn’t be able to live my life. I wouldn’t be able to grow up, get married, buy a house, have a kid, retire. I’d be stuck with the shitty teenager part of life. I stopped looking forward to the future that day. I remember it. I remember the feeling of nothing mattering. Everything is going to be gone anyway. Why would I save for my future? The rapture is going to happen, I’ll be left behind, and then the world will end.

The rest of high school was spent being unsure of what I wanted to do at any given moment. I did choir, drama, peer tutoring, hockey, rugby, cheerleading, and worked a part time job. I was busy but I was just filling my time in. I, very much, started living in the moment. I spent all of the money I had. I stopped knowing what I wanted to do as a career. Started drinking. My “bad” teenage years started.

I’m not going to say that my teenage rebellion was solely because of end times teachings but it was the final straw so to speak.

We are supposed to be watching the heavens for signs. We are waiting for the bear in the north to attack Israel. The Gog and Magog war and the rebuilding of the third temple. The temple can’t be rebuilt while the Dome of the Rock still exists. Now, what I was taught was:

• Rapture of the church
• End of the Gog and Magog war by the anti-Christ and everyone will love him
• Third Temple in Jerusalem is finished
• The anti-Christ violates the temple and declares himself king
• The final 3 1/2 years of the 7 years of tribulation continue
• Then Jesus returns
• Then good guys celebrate on earth for 1000 years.

One of the key things to know about what I was taught is that no one really knows when the tribulation starts exactly and when the rapture of the church will happen. Most assume the rapture is going to happen part way through the tribulation so the believers are saved from the worst of it. They like to say, “we are already living in end times” like the tribulation has already started.

I will say that things look a bit more feasible now in 2025 vs 1990. In my conspiratorial mind, I can see, clearly, how these online safety acts that many countries are rolling out at the same time (UK, Australia, USA, Canada) will lead to a global identification system that could be used to control access to banking/money. The chip technology has existed for a long time. My cats have a microchip in their necks that gives my name and number. What has been missing was a reason and a means to collect everyone’s id.

This week, Bluesky went dark in Mississippi because they have a law that says people have to verify their ID to use certain parts of the internet. Bluesky wasn’t going to build the architecture to collect this data.

Anyway, after most people have uploaded their id for access to various things on the internet, the data is consolidated by places like Palantir. Then a singular global leadership can really take hold. Probably by a company like Palantir.

With Israel actively doing genocide, it might just be a matter of time before a country (or a group of countries) in the north attacks Israel for being genociding war criminals.

It’s funny that something I was so terrified of doesn’t bother me at all anymore. That happened when my deconversion was done because why would I be afraid of something that wasn’t real.

I explained to my mom that it would take the rapture to happen and for me to be left behind before I would believe. And if that happens, then I’ll know it to be true and will be willing to die for my faith. So it would be an easy martyr in my opinion. And, of course, it would have to be proven to not be aliens. I would expect my brother and my mother to be taken in the rapture at the very least. She made me promise not to take the mark of the beast.

It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Well, that was an unexpected and grim journey I went on, wasn’t it? Despite it all, I am feeling pretty good if I look at my immediate life. I’m super happy that I got Percy. I’m looking forward to a few days off at the beginning of September. I’m supposed to meet up with two friends in September so far. Yeah. I’m feeling good. As long as I don’t think about anything outside of me. Micro world is good. Macro world not so much.

I think that’s enough ramblings for today!