It’s probably best to trigger warning this post so this post contains mentions of sexual assault and weight loss/gain. If you aren’t in the headspace for those things today, then I will catch you in the next post ❤

I’m working on losing weight. Well, I tell myself I’m working on it and I am sort of. I could be a LOT better about it. Like a lot. I even Door Dashed dinner two nights in a row. I need to stop that just for the money aspect. I’d have a lot more money to save. I, easily, spend $300 a month on take out. And that would naturally lead to some weight loss. While I’m not gaining, I’m not exactly losing much right now either. And my body is feeling it with the heat and me ever getting older.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago on Bluesky that I had hurt my back somehow and only today did it stop hurting. I managed to finally get it to crack today and oh my glob do I ever feel relieved!! Makes me wonder if chiropractors are legit. I should ask my doctor of they are legit. I’m probably holding some old “back crackers aren’t real” bias from the 80’s or something. My weight really made me worry about my back when it was sore like that because even standing for more than 5 mins was hurting. It hurt to lay down too. The only comfy position was my desk chair but that would make my knees and legs hurt after a while. But now, I’m feeling great!

One of the things that I really realized during therapy was how much I’ve used my weight as a shield. In high school, I was considered fat. I’ll post a picture if I can find one. But it was the early 90’s and unless you could see ribs, you were fat. But I wasn’t fat. I knew I had some power over some men (usually 10+ years older than me) if I used my physical appearance.

In my early 20’s, I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker who was 30+ years older than I was. It was a typical grooming, drugging my drink, rape thing. You know, no big thing. It was a big thing. I won’t go into any of the details about the incident right now, perhaps one day. I will say that the person who did this to me lost his job and eventually his wife, even if he didn’t have any charges laid against him.

Since that day, though, I stopped drinking regularly. I’ve only been drunk a few times since then and only in the presence of my ex-husband or my family. Another thing that happened afterwards was my weight gain. Over the next 10 years, I went from a size 10 to a size 24. At my heaviest I was a size 26. According to the “fatness spectrum”, I was a mid-fat and now I’m a small-fat.

Small-fat is just big enough to act as a major deterrent for most people, men specifically. The logic behind putting on weight was simple: get big enough that the men most likely to hurt me won’t see me at all. And so I did. Not that I can remember the exact moment when I chose to put on weight but I realize now that I did choose it.

The idea of dating is terrifying. But it feels better now that I put a picture of me up at the gym on my profile. And why? Because I know it’s going to act as a deterrent and I won’t have to deal with as many people pretending to be interested until they see me in person. It’s the perfect filter! My therapist did point out that I don’t feel as good about this as I tell myself I do. And she was right.

How do I know that weight matters this much? Because I’ve received one unsolicited dick pick ever in my life (no this is not an invitation, I will block you). I don’t get men in my DM’s with any sort of frequency or seriousness. I don’t get offers of sugar daddies or people wanting to give me money for noods. I rarely get compliments. I’m not saying this to complain, although sometimes it does make me feel bad about myself. But I did this to myself. This is what I wanted. I knew that becoming this size would prevent the vast majority of people from seeing me. I’m not ugly. I’m just fat. I have nice eyes, a nice smile and nice skin but I’m fat. The downside is that I’m pretty much invisible. Not fully, but mostly.

So why am I thinking about this today? I’m not sure. It sort of popped in my head. I’m wondering if I’m using it as a form of self-sabotage. It’s a great way for me to reject people. I can say (true or not) that only the insecure men will like me if I’m fat. Again, I know this isn’t true. It’s the excuse I use. They’ll think they aren’t good enough for the thin women and go for me instead. The old “2am pick up” in action! That’s how I used to describe myself. It always got a laugh. It implies that only drunk, desperate men like me. I started believing it at some point. Anyway, back to my crazy logic. If he’s into me, then he’s clearly desperate and therefore, not what I’m looking for. I’m so good at logic!!!

I’m so good at sabotage!

But I’m not so sure that everything is wrong with this thought process. Using my weight as a filter for a dating site isn’t a bad thing, I don’t think. Being 100% real is important to me and I don’t want to hear any more “you’re too fat to date” bullshit from men on dating sites. But sabotaging getting fit & being happy to prevent people from being in my life is not a good thing.

My old doctor told me that he’d approve me for gastric bypass surgery but that scares me. I don’t want something done to my body that permanently alters it. I say this as someone with two tattoos, a missing gall bladder, and pierced ears. Things that have permanently altered my body. I’ve said before I was a hypocrite. But a stomach is different from skin and a gall bladder being removed. Plus, I don’t overeat. I am just eating bad food right now and exercising only enough to keep the bad food from turning too much into weight. I asked my new doctor to help me determine if maybe some GLP1 or similar medicine is something I should do.

I’d rather work it off the exercise, diet way. I feel I need consistent encouragement to continue to get fit. But I also understand that this is something that I have to do by myself. I would like to do this with someone. I was going to the gym with my niece but she went and got a job because you need to make money in this world in order to afford the gym membership! Working out is like a second job to me. It’s something that I do not enjoy. Maybe I should try swimming. I was about to write that I hate being sweaty and I immediately thought about just swimming. I’m not complaining, honest I’m not. I need to just get healthier.

I want to be healthier…no I NEED to be healthier if I’m going to be able to get my Cabin in the Woods. If I’m going to have my kitties, some alpaca and a dog, I’m going to need to be healthy enough to take care of them.

How do I break down this shield that I’ve held on to for so long? Can I handle what will come with thinness? Is it arrogant to assume things will change when I’m thin?