So I did it. I joined a dating site. I’m officially “on the market” now. I separated from my ex-husband in 2019 but we lived together until 2023. The divorce is done now. Because there’s been a long wind down to my marriage, I feel I’m ready to try dating again despite being apprehensive about it.

I made my profile on Bumble on Tuesday and paid for 6 months of premium. That cost $200 CAD. Expensive but I figured it’d be best to be able to see more people and see people who have clicked on me than not to. The dating pool of what I’m looking for is quite small especially since I’m not willing to move outside of the Central and Southern Frontenac areas. I’d drive an hour one way to see the right person, potentially a little more if necessary. But I’m not willing to do a Toronto/Ottawa and here relationship.

At first the likes rolled in and I was pretty nervous. New app = new social rules I don’t know yet. Are we allowed to double message? Who messages first? Etc. But I think I’m okay with how it is set up now. It’s not as busy as OK Cupid was for me during COVID. I had gotten on there because I was pretty lonely but I realized that 1) I didn’t like being told I was too fat to date any less than I liked being ghosted, 2) I wasn’t living alone, and 3) I wasn’t ready for another relationship. I was too hurt and too angry. I’m not really either of those things now.

The likes are much slower today. As I was swiping through the various profiles of single men within 100km from me, I realized just how many are conservative Christians. It’s most of them. I don’t mind these two things despite being a liberal atheist. My family are mostly conservative Christians. I was raised that way so I wouldn’t mind a conservative Christian partner provided they lead their lives in line with the actual teachings of Christ: love your neighbour and do unto others. And I actually mean that. So the rhetoric matters here.

But the mismatch isn’t just with religious and political points of view. There’s a mismatch in lifestyle. I’m looking at these men and the ones I’m interested in are pretty different from me. They are into hiking and outdoors. That is absolutely fine with me. I love camping and I want to get back into those things again. I also enjoy fishing. I’m out of shape, of course, so my full body picture doesn’t scream “I spend all my time touching grass”. But I don’t want to keep doing only the things that I’m currently doing. I want to enrich my life and experience more things outside in nature. And that does include getting more fit. I just feel I need someone to do those activities with. Camping isn’t really safe for a woman alone.

There is also the career mismatch. I’m not sure it is a massive obstacle but I’ve been liking tradesmen, firemen, and construction workers in addition to people in IT. I can relate to people in IT since I was a developer and data engineer for almost 20 years before becoming a data analyst. But I also used to drive lift trucks in a warehouse and my family is filled with skilled trades people. I wonder if my career matters at all.

So far the conversation has been pretty lack luster. I start the conversations and ask questions and engage but I’m not getting much back. One guy just answered with “cool”. I don’t know how to work with cool, my guy. I mean, I’m good at talking but you’re going to have to give me a bit of energy here. LOL shy is okay but you gotta talk to me. I carried conversations for my entire marriage. I’d like someone to talk to me for a change.

Here is a list of some things I wrote about my next partner.

My next partner will choose me. 
They will pursue me. I will not convince them they need or want me. This is important because I have to break my life-long pattern.

My next partner will have a life outside of me. 
They will have hobbies and interests that are not limited to just video games.

My next partner will be employed. 
They will pay their bills on time. They do not have to have a lot of money.

My next partner will be capable of carrying on a meaningful conversation. 
They will be open to sharing their thoughts and feelings.

My next partner will be steadfast, trustworthy, honest, principled, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, and compassionate.

I shouldn’t be upset about their not being a pile of people to sort through. I won’t have the pressure of juggling multiple first dates this way. Plus, I want to be picky. I’m a good woman and a good partner for the right person.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a bit sad about all of this. While I’m excited to start a new chapter, I have to go through this dating process again but this time online. It’s big change. And potential for heartbreak. Does it matter if it ends in heartbreak if it is good most of the time? I still would have had that good. I guess it’s that ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’ thing.

Anyway, bed time.